Rain: As close to the Jersey Shore as the Midwest can get.

What can I say about Rain that hasn’t already been said about the State Fair? The only major difference is that at Rain, the animals smell like Axe, instead of pig shit and cows. Where do I start with this place? The location is just weird. Rain is tucked away east of 1st Street in a seedy section of Walker’s Point. On my last visit, as I and the brave souls who were with me approached the entrance, we were delighted to see the “Girls Gone Wild” bus sitting in the parking lot. We knew we had arrived on a special night. What was not special was yet another cover. $5 bucks to get into that motherfucker. As for the layout, I think this place used to be a strip club. It is essentially a large barn with, I am not fucking with you, a octagonal-shaped dance floor in the center. Maybe they used to have UFC fights here or some shit. I also couldn't’t help to notice the multiple disco balls around the place. Nothing spells class at a bar like half a dozen mirrored-balls and a fog machine. As we approached the bar, we were treated to quite a sight. Some asshole was wondering around the bar with a huge bongo drum. My only reaction: The Fuck? I thought that once I got an overpriced drink into my system I would feel better. One thing about the drinks, I ordered a Kettle Redbull, you would think that most entry level bartenders could handle making this drink. She poured Smirnoff and Rock Star into a PLASTIC cup. If you are going to make me pay $5 just to walk in the door, poor my shitty drink into a fucking glass cup. I mean really. Also, I was kind of taken aback when I was forced to surrender my ID with my credit card. How many people walk on their tabs in this shit hole? This reminded me of the two times I had sat in “VIP” at Rain. What a joke. First off, they had no dedicated server in our section, which meant every 20 min or so, a random employee would make sure we didn’t need anything else. They brought out our bottle, with no ice, and plastic cups. Not only were they not glass, they were different sizes. If you are making people pay at least $175 for a bottle, is it too much to ask that we get the same sized cups? Bottom line, it was amateur night. Getting back to last Monday, the crowd was about what you would expect. Basically, it was like being on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, only in Rain’s case, only have were over 21. The DJ? Don’t ask. Yet another one who can’t just play the fucking music. How many times can you ask “HOWS EVERYONE DOING TONIGHT?! LADIES HOW YOU DOING TONIGHT?!” Do what I paid 5 bucks for, and shut the fuck up. And if you are going to interrupt the music every 15 min, at least be a good DJ. I couldn't’t help but laugh half of the night. Maybe it was the crowd, maybe it was the fact that I was actually at Rain. What would my mother say? What if my friends knew I had paid to go here? The final insult came when I closed my tab and realized I was about to pay $38 for 2 “Kettle” Redbulls and 2 Miller Lites. Keep in mind these were not tall drinks. As far as I am concerned, any bar that advertises on KISS FM, is not a bar I want to be seen at.

October 31, Brothers: America's Worst Bar.

October 24, Rain: as close to the Jersey Shore as the Midwest can get.

Jo-cat's: For professionals only.

Jo-cat’s is definitely one of the best bars in Milwaukee. And this city has a shit load of them. What other bar do you have Brewers players pouring drinks to the musical stylings of Asia or Eddie Money? The bar’s greatest asset is perhaps also its greatest weakness. It’s small. As fuck. I’d be shocked if the entire bar is more then about 800 square feet. And it gets crowded. The other bad part about the size of the place is if you are a none-smoker. The place tends to get pretty bad on a crowded night, and you will get a healthy dose of second-hand. On a weekend night (or even some weekday nights) it can be hard to maneuver around the bar, especially if you are carrying a shot or two. But this intimate atmosphere is part of the Jo-cat’s allure. The size of the bar creates a bond between the staff and the patrons, which is part of the reason that most of Jo-cat’s customers are on a first name basis with the bartenders. That is another great asset Jo-cat’s has. On a typical night the crowd is 80% regulars which helps cut down on the riff-raff you get at most bars. Another good thing about the crowd is that it is mostly comprised of professional drinkers. These are not the people who go out a few times a month, these are the ones that go out 3 times a week and wouldn’t be caught dead on Water Street. The drinks are stiff, and the music is great. They recently upgraded their T.V.s to two 50 inch plasmas, which are in a perfect spot for watching a sporting event with a few dozen friends. The only other real drawback to Jo-cat’s is the fact that they don’t take credit cards. I rarely carry cash on me, mostly because I’m lazy and don’t like to go to ATMs. I cannot fault Jo-cat’s for their setup though. It is a purely cash bar, and they own the ATM in the back. So not only do they collect the ATM fee when you drunkenly take out 40 bucks, they are well aware that the money you just paid to take out, will go right back in their cash registers. Another thing (I don’t mean to sound like fucking Jerry Seinfeld here) but what’s the deal with those black lights? Once in a while they come on at totally random times, so I am not totally certain why they are installed. Perhaps the best feature at Jo-cat’s is the dance floor. It is tucked away in the back corner of the bar by the rear door. It’s really more of a 25 foot section of the bar they forgot to carpet then an actual dance floor, but it serves its purpose. Overall, this is exactly what you would expect, and want a neighborhood bar to be, if your neighborhood happens to be the whole city.

Friday, October 17: Jocats. A place where they always know your name, and are sometimes glad you came.

Buckheads: Come for the shitty cover band, stay because you paid $5 to get in.

I actually liked this bar the first time I went to it. Then I ran out of free passes. The former BAR Milwaukee property tries it's best, but in the end, it comes up short. The next few times I went, I was subjected to live music by a shitty cover band. I thought that maybe that I had just gone on the wrong night, until I returned several times and realized that the same band was there every time. Now that in of itself wasn't really what pissed me off, it was the fact that I had paid $5 to listen to these assholes play. Putting the shitty music asside, the crowd was the next thing that pissed me off. It consisted mostly of fake-id sporting typical blond wannabe sorority whores. And some actual sonority whores. And as far as they were concerned, this was the greatest bar that had ever existed in the history of the universe, aside from Rain. (more on that next week) In terms of the guys, 80% beefcake frat boys complete with all the accessories. Backwards Cubs/Texas hat, flip flops, and Abercrombie/American Eagle polo. In terms of drinks, nothing out of the ordinary. Although the $20 minimum for credit cards didn't sit well with me. For some reason, this place has tables you can "reserve". I'm not really certain why a place like this has a VIP section, but what do I know. Non-Drinking fun includes a pool table where you can watch dickbags try to impress girls with their billiard skills, and a upper bar right next to the shit-band. The staff was fine I guess. They are just kind of there. They may as well be robots dispensing pre-measured drinks. All in all, the only way I would ever go to this bar again would be if the alternative was walking home in the snow from the airport. If for some reason I ever do end up there again and I here the cover band play 'Wonderwall' or 'Sweet home Alabama' again, someone's getting shot.

Welcome to the bar review blog.

This is a new feature for me. Contrary to popular belief, I have actually been to most bars in the city. I know most people think I only go to Decibel or other places on North ave. But in reality, I've hit up plenty of establishments. So starting today, I will write a short review about the bars I have been to, and how much money they have taken from me. I will not provide a rating system, as that is cliche' and stupid. I am a cynical dick by nature, but I will try to give bars the benefit of the doubt. I hope you enjoy my reviews, and if you don't, then you can fuck off. New reviews will be posted every Friday by 9 am.